On feeling dislocated

Right now, I’m confused. For the last seven years I was merrily attending Macmillan Monday-Friday, waking up at 7, bus at 20 to 8, lessons until 2:45 then bus home. Even when I moved into sixth form I stayed on at Macmillan, meaning 2 more years on the 5-year standard in a place that I could now walk around blindfolded. It was familiar. I gained new friends in sixth form but, essentially, it was the same group of people that I was interacting with 9-3, 5 days a week, for 7 years.

And then, along came university. Moving out to an unfamiliar place. Having to meet and get along with completely new people from completely different places and walks of life. Uni throws you in at the deep end in terms of both social interaction and academic work. But I loved it. I can safely say, despite the hiccups, despite the workload (mainly due to me putting essays off until the night before, suffering moments of crippling insecurity over my abilities, somehow whacking out 2500 words and handing it in mentally exhausted, and repeat), despite all that awkwardness and anxiety, I frigging LOVED IT. Now I’m at home again, very close to my friends from school, my mam sat in the next room and my dad doing his usual Sunday night routine of going to the quiz at the cricket club. And yet… I feel… dislocated. Like I shouldn’t be here anymore.

You know when people always said – “Oh you’ll feel like you’ve known people at uni for years even though you’ve only known them for weeks”? Well it’s true; they actually weren’t lying. In some ways I feel more at home on B Floor now than I do at home. It confuses me. I’ve just gotten used to a routine and the place that is Lancaster Uni’s campus and now I’m back in Thornaby. I’ll develop a routine here and then come 16th January I’ll have to change it all again. It’s a weird feeling. I’d only been at Lancaster for 11 weeks and yet it was feeling like my home. But what does your ‘real home’ become then, when uni has taken precedence? I don’t know. In fact I’m not sure where all this came from. I was planning to write something about how great uni has been and how I’m glad to be back home for Christmas yet what came out when I sat down to type it was this load of rambling.

I suppose I didn’t know I was feeling all this until I just let my fingers move over the keyboard.

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